I am certain that all of us have had to rebuild our lives in some type of form. Two forms that lead to a rebirth of rebuilding ones life is either divorce or a death of a loved one. Though I have never been faced with departing from a loved one through divorce, I am most familiar with being separated from many loved ones through death. The process of rebuilding one's life through either may be totally different but both bring on much pain and sorrow as well as perseverance.
To persevere one must to continue steadfastly according to Webster's Dictionary. Biblically, perseverance reveals our faith, a faith in our Lord that He will comfort, love, sustain and strengthen us during such times. After the passing of my first husband I honestly believe I didn't have either one. At the young age of thirty two I found myself totally confused, lost and alone, so I thought. I didn't have a clue what my next step in my daily life would be, how I was going to sort through all the mess or how I was even going to survive all the grief and pain.
I found myself within thirty days of my husband's passing packing of an entire house of four years of marriage into boxes which would be relocated to my parents home, a home that I grew up in since birth and now was returning to as a widowed lady. For some reason this transition left a sour taste in my mouth, not from anything my parents had done, all the two of them had ever done their entire life was to love and support me in every feasible way possible that a parent would love and support their own child. Simply, it is hard on a child to return to a parents nest after being away and out on their own especially through the bond of matrimony.
I kept thinking how was I possibly going to readjust to their home again and what type of adjustments they were going to sacrifice upon my return. I kept pondering over and over in my head of other choices I perhaps may have, I had none. Here I was a widow at thirty two years old, my own health had deteriorated during my care taking capacity role, I couldn't return to my employment, not yet anyway, my husband had no insurance monies to assist me for my future due to being a diabetic and my cash flow was on empty. Choices, there were none so I packed all of our belongings to rejoin my parents but kept in the back of my mind that this would be only a temporary venture.
Getting back into life was not as easy as one perhaps may think this transition may be. I tried to rest as much as possible in the days, weeks and months ahead to be able to regain my strength in hopes of returning to my previous employment which they had so kindly held open for my return. I kept thinking, "if I can only return to work then I will have a steady flow of cash coming in weekly, I will save as much as possible while living with my parents in hopes of venturing out on my own at some point in the future."
Two months passed by and one day the thought came to me, you have rested, it's time to rejoin the work force, you can do it, so I immediately picked up the phone contacting my employer and after a through discussion from both parties I made the decision that day regarding my return never even considering all of the consequences that I would face. The first day of my return was terrible and very difficult. Even though my co- workers put on their best happy faces, what I saw was faces of pity. I felt a feeling of not really belonging any longer. Here I was working a long side single and married co-workers but yet I was neither single or married, I was in a category all alone, a category that the mere word "widow" left my stomach nauseated and empty. Every where I turned that day all I could see was "we," my husband and me, there was no longer a "we" there was only a "me." Next resentment set in, how could he do this to me? How could he leave me all alone at such a young age? How could he leave me in such a shape? At the end of my shift as I was leaving for the day I kept thinking to myself, "tomorrow will be better, tomorrow will be easier, after all this was only my first day upon returning to the working world." I quickly found out after several days had passed I couldn't do this any more, not because I wasn't strong enough but I needed a whole new approach to the working world so with that thought in mind I made the decision to kindly step aside and resign.
Upon returning home that evening and after a long discussion with my parents all of us simply thought perhaps it was just too soon. So I decided to stay at home a while longer but with each passing day instead of showing signs of improvement I was showing signs of depression. I thought, "depression" what a cold ugly word and the world of ones depression is even more uglier, colder, empty and lonely. Finally, if the insistence of my parents I sought medical attention, the results...I was emotionally, mentally and physically worn out. I was place on months of complete bed rest due to my tremendous drop in weight, only to be able to get out of bed for bathing and toilet needs, the rest of the time it was bed and rest.
As the months traveled by I didn't appear to be showing any signs of improvement. My cash flow was stopped again and instead of seeking my parents help I simply stuck all my bills into my bedside night stand unopened. Next, the phone started ringing day and night. I knew whom the calls were from but I didn't dare tell my parents. How could I tell them, this was not the child they had raised to be honest, reliable and responsible. Friends would drop by for visits, friends would call for chats or invites but none of these things interest me any longer, I didn't belong, I was in my own little category, "widow." The thought of being around others that were happy in their daily lives made me sick, sick from jealousy that they were happy and I was miserable, all alone.
Then I day I heard my pastor's voice, by dear friend, my only "life line" talking to my mother in our den. He had stopped by for a visit to check on me, little did I realize at that time that my mother had contacted him seeking his much needed assistance regarding my depression; my cold, lonely, miserable and ugly world that I was trapped inside with no way to escape. During our discussion I informed him how lonely, ugly I felt. How all I wanted to do at the young age of thirty two was pleaded with my Lord to take me home. I honestly wanted to die so I could be able to join my husband and be able to live again. I remember him telling me to buy my self something pretty, get myself dressed up weather I went anywhere or not, I thought to myself, "what a dumb idea" how can an empty soul make themselves feel pretty again? How dare him say something like that to me, he had a beautiful wife, he had a family and he possibly couldn't know my feelings and how empty I felt inside.
Then as I was lying in bed one night a voice spoke to me, "my child, do you not know how valuable you are to me, do you not have one clue what all I went through just for you to prove how much I love you?" All of a sudden a warm glow rolled through my entire being, I felt so pretty but more important I felt loved and that love is what finally jump started my world out of the world of depression.
Friends, if you are experiencing a world of depression from trying to rebuild your own life from some type of pain I beg you to seek Him and only Him first if you want to feel true, genuine love, a love that only a Father can give a child, a love that will carry you through any type of struggles, pain or depression. A love that can "jump start" your own life making you feel pretty again but more importantly to feel loved and to be able to rebuild your own life again.
In closing my second writing to my blog I welcome your comments but more importantly I welcome you. I want all of you to know I am available to you, to lift you up in prayer and to carry and assist you with your own personal burdens. Until the next time I challenge you to cry out to our Lord and begin to feel loved.
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