Filling the void of your heart that is left so empty after the loss of a loved one comes easy for some but for others it becomes harder for others as each day passes. I have always been one that firmly believes that unless another has traveled the same path that one cannot fully possibly understand what another is experiencing regarding the closure of their own personal previous journey. All of us deal with grief in different ways, as I previously commented for some it comes easy but...for others it can be much more difficult.
The ones that find dealing with a loss and the void it leaves behind to be easy it is because they choose to perhaps fill that void from the beginning never allowing it to consume their daily lives. This may be through ways of volunteering through local charities, non profit organizations, through their service at church or even through other family members. For the ones that find dealing with a loss much more difficult it may present itself in this manner due to being a first loss, they allow the loss to consume their daily lives through self pity, emptiness, lack of confidence, abandonment, loneliness, resentment and even anger. These types of characteristics set in immediately, grab hold so quickly that no matter what the person may try their best to do to shake them they simply won't disappear. For me I personally believe the latter set in upon me so quickly that no matter in my personal opinion how hard I tried nothing appeared to be working so I continued to keep down spiraling into a world filled with dark gloom never taking the time to notice all the love that surrounded me daily through family and friends. I traveled so many darkened paths that led to pain and suffering for others all because of me and the grief that controlled every aspect of my daily life. I never stopped to think how much God loved me, how much my parents loved me or even my close friends during this time. Instead, I thought they could never possibly realize what I was experiencing through such a loss. Why didn't I ever stop to think that the one most important person in all of our daily lives indeed knew exactly how I felt? Was it because I could not see Him physically even though His beauty, comfort, strength and love surrounded me immensely daily or...was it that I was so selfish that I simply wouldn't allow His comfort and love to come into my daily life? He tells me through His word that He will be with me...even until the ends of the earth. Thus, not allowing His will and purpose for my life to be done my grief process took much longer and led me down roads that were dead ends. Now, the real terrible, nightmare journey begins.
It started out to me that evening on December 31, 1986 as a "new beginning." It started with a phone call from a girlfriend that afternoon offering an invitation with other friends to celebrate a new beginning, a new year. A year that I was hoping to fill this void, to fill it with a new life of love with someone. After all I had proven to myself and others throughout the sickness of my husband that I was a good person, a good wife. I was still young, I was still reasonably attractive and I had the capacity to give love to another. I accepted the invitation of my girlfriend and I was ready to live and love again.
So here we go!! For the first time I was actually getting myself completely dressed up, a new outfit, make up applied and hair done. No matter how my heart was still aching I was ready to venture out for an evening of fun and in hopes of starting the New Year out with love. Four of us headed to Charlotte, North Carolina to celebrate the bringing in the New Year at a place called the Adam's Mart. Back in our days that was a very nice night club/bar to have fun and ring in the New Year. I can remember entering this fabulous hotel/bar location, the four of us girls making our entrance, finding a table and sitting back checking out the scenery and availability as we use to name it for an evening of fun. I can recall two of the other girlfriends already up on their feet dancing the night away on the dance floor. Kathy and me were left at the table by ourselves, laughing amongst the two of us and again checking out the scenery. Hmm...I suddenly spotted a very well groomed and nice gentlemen but...kept thinking, "he is too good looking to be interested in me" when suddenly it appeared he was headed directly toward our table. Now my thoughts turned to, he must be interested in Kathy, surely not me.
After arriving at our table, introducing himself to us, his conversation was directed toward me, so he and I entertained ourselves the rest of the evening in small talk simply introducing ourselves to one another along with sharing with each other our life's profile. Little did I realize at that time the mere mention of the word "widow" would lead me down a path of total destruction, not only for myself but...also for my family and friends. All because I was looking for a new life, a life filled with love from the simple presence of another.
As the evening came to a close and all of us girls along with the gentlemen we had met that evening departed our ways along with our goodbyes my head was simply full of a "new beginning," a "new life," a "new love." I had finally conquered the gloomy and heart wrenching world of grief and...had taken the first steps to a "new world," "new opportunities" but...as I would soon discover, not the right ones.
As I end my third writing in my blog series I pray that whatever losses you may dealing with regarding your own personal life that each of you will seek God first. You will come to know that indeed He is with you, with you even until the ends of the earth. That it will be His will and His purpose for each of your lives and..not your own as you will soon discover in my fourth blog writing what destruction and pain may enter your life without God at the front.
I challenge each of you as you read my blog writings to please leave your personal feedback comments to me. I am interested in your personal comments, I will listen with you, I will present each of you in prayer to our Heavenly Father and I remain available. May God continue to bless and comfort each of you what ever life struggles or losses you may be facing at this time.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Rebuilding A Life Through The Pain
I am certain that all of us have had to rebuild our lives in some type of form. Two forms that lead to a rebirth of rebuilding ones life is either divorce or a death of a loved one. Though I have never been faced with departing from a loved one through divorce, I am most familiar with being separated from many loved ones through death. The process of rebuilding one's life through either may be totally different but both bring on much pain and sorrow as well as perseverance.
To persevere one must to continue steadfastly according to Webster's Dictionary. Biblically, perseverance reveals our faith, a faith in our Lord that He will comfort, love, sustain and strengthen us during such times. After the passing of my first husband I honestly believe I didn't have either one. At the young age of thirty two I found myself totally confused, lost and alone, so I thought. I didn't have a clue what my next step in my daily life would be, how I was going to sort through all the mess or how I was even going to survive all the grief and pain.
I found myself within thirty days of my husband's passing packing of an entire house of four years of marriage into boxes which would be relocated to my parents home, a home that I grew up in since birth and now was returning to as a widowed lady. For some reason this transition left a sour taste in my mouth, not from anything my parents had done, all the two of them had ever done their entire life was to love and support me in every feasible way possible that a parent would love and support their own child. Simply, it is hard on a child to return to a parents nest after being away and out on their own especially through the bond of matrimony.
I kept thinking how was I possibly going to readjust to their home again and what type of adjustments they were going to sacrifice upon my return. I kept pondering over and over in my head of other choices I perhaps may have, I had none. Here I was a widow at thirty two years old, my own health had deteriorated during my care taking capacity role, I couldn't return to my employment, not yet anyway, my husband had no insurance monies to assist me for my future due to being a diabetic and my cash flow was on empty. Choices, there were none so I packed all of our belongings to rejoin my parents but kept in the back of my mind that this would be only a temporary venture.
Getting back into life was not as easy as one perhaps may think this transition may be. I tried to rest as much as possible in the days, weeks and months ahead to be able to regain my strength in hopes of returning to my previous employment which they had so kindly held open for my return. I kept thinking, "if I can only return to work then I will have a steady flow of cash coming in weekly, I will save as much as possible while living with my parents in hopes of venturing out on my own at some point in the future."
Two months passed by and one day the thought came to me, you have rested, it's time to rejoin the work force, you can do it, so I immediately picked up the phone contacting my employer and after a through discussion from both parties I made the decision that day regarding my return never even considering all of the consequences that I would face. The first day of my return was terrible and very difficult. Even though my co- workers put on their best happy faces, what I saw was faces of pity. I felt a feeling of not really belonging any longer. Here I was working a long side single and married co-workers but yet I was neither single or married, I was in a category all alone, a category that the mere word "widow" left my stomach nauseated and empty. Every where I turned that day all I could see was "we," my husband and me, there was no longer a "we" there was only a "me." Next resentment set in, how could he do this to me? How could he leave me all alone at such a young age? How could he leave me in such a shape? At the end of my shift as I was leaving for the day I kept thinking to myself, "tomorrow will be better, tomorrow will be easier, after all this was only my first day upon returning to the working world." I quickly found out after several days had passed I couldn't do this any more, not because I wasn't strong enough but I needed a whole new approach to the working world so with that thought in mind I made the decision to kindly step aside and resign.
Upon returning home that evening and after a long discussion with my parents all of us simply thought perhaps it was just too soon. So I decided to stay at home a while longer but with each passing day instead of showing signs of improvement I was showing signs of depression. I thought, "depression" what a cold ugly word and the world of ones depression is even more uglier, colder, empty and lonely. Finally, if the insistence of my parents I sought medical attention, the results...I was emotionally, mentally and physically worn out. I was place on months of complete bed rest due to my tremendous drop in weight, only to be able to get out of bed for bathing and toilet needs, the rest of the time it was bed and rest.
As the months traveled by I didn't appear to be showing any signs of improvement. My cash flow was stopped again and instead of seeking my parents help I simply stuck all my bills into my bedside night stand unopened. Next, the phone started ringing day and night. I knew whom the calls were from but I didn't dare tell my parents. How could I tell them, this was not the child they had raised to be honest, reliable and responsible. Friends would drop by for visits, friends would call for chats or invites but none of these things interest me any longer, I didn't belong, I was in my own little category, "widow." The thought of being around others that were happy in their daily lives made me sick, sick from jealousy that they were happy and I was miserable, all alone.
Then I day I heard my pastor's voice, by dear friend, my only "life line" talking to my mother in our den. He had stopped by for a visit to check on me, little did I realize at that time that my mother had contacted him seeking his much needed assistance regarding my depression; my cold, lonely, miserable and ugly world that I was trapped inside with no way to escape. During our discussion I informed him how lonely, ugly I felt. How all I wanted to do at the young age of thirty two was pleaded with my Lord to take me home. I honestly wanted to die so I could be able to join my husband and be able to live again. I remember him telling me to buy my self something pretty, get myself dressed up weather I went anywhere or not, I thought to myself, "what a dumb idea" how can an empty soul make themselves feel pretty again? How dare him say something like that to me, he had a beautiful wife, he had a family and he possibly couldn't know my feelings and how empty I felt inside.
Then as I was lying in bed one night a voice spoke to me, "my child, do you not know how valuable you are to me, do you not have one clue what all I went through just for you to prove how much I love you?" All of a sudden a warm glow rolled through my entire being, I felt so pretty but more important I felt loved and that love is what finally jump started my world out of the world of depression.
Friends, if you are experiencing a world of depression from trying to rebuild your own life from some type of pain I beg you to seek Him and only Him first if you want to feel true, genuine love, a love that only a Father can give a child, a love that will carry you through any type of struggles, pain or depression. A love that can "jump start" your own life making you feel pretty again but more importantly to feel loved and to be able to rebuild your own life again.
In closing my second writing to my blog I welcome your comments but more importantly I welcome you. I want all of you to know I am available to you, to lift you up in prayer and to carry and assist you with your own personal burdens. Until the next time I challenge you to cry out to our Lord and begin to feel loved.
To persevere one must to continue steadfastly according to Webster's Dictionary. Biblically, perseverance reveals our faith, a faith in our Lord that He will comfort, love, sustain and strengthen us during such times. After the passing of my first husband I honestly believe I didn't have either one. At the young age of thirty two I found myself totally confused, lost and alone, so I thought. I didn't have a clue what my next step in my daily life would be, how I was going to sort through all the mess or how I was even going to survive all the grief and pain.
I found myself within thirty days of my husband's passing packing of an entire house of four years of marriage into boxes which would be relocated to my parents home, a home that I grew up in since birth and now was returning to as a widowed lady. For some reason this transition left a sour taste in my mouth, not from anything my parents had done, all the two of them had ever done their entire life was to love and support me in every feasible way possible that a parent would love and support their own child. Simply, it is hard on a child to return to a parents nest after being away and out on their own especially through the bond of matrimony.
I kept thinking how was I possibly going to readjust to their home again and what type of adjustments they were going to sacrifice upon my return. I kept pondering over and over in my head of other choices I perhaps may have, I had none. Here I was a widow at thirty two years old, my own health had deteriorated during my care taking capacity role, I couldn't return to my employment, not yet anyway, my husband had no insurance monies to assist me for my future due to being a diabetic and my cash flow was on empty. Choices, there were none so I packed all of our belongings to rejoin my parents but kept in the back of my mind that this would be only a temporary venture.
Getting back into life was not as easy as one perhaps may think this transition may be. I tried to rest as much as possible in the days, weeks and months ahead to be able to regain my strength in hopes of returning to my previous employment which they had so kindly held open for my return. I kept thinking, "if I can only return to work then I will have a steady flow of cash coming in weekly, I will save as much as possible while living with my parents in hopes of venturing out on my own at some point in the future."
Two months passed by and one day the thought came to me, you have rested, it's time to rejoin the work force, you can do it, so I immediately picked up the phone contacting my employer and after a through discussion from both parties I made the decision that day regarding my return never even considering all of the consequences that I would face. The first day of my return was terrible and very difficult. Even though my co- workers put on their best happy faces, what I saw was faces of pity. I felt a feeling of not really belonging any longer. Here I was working a long side single and married co-workers but yet I was neither single or married, I was in a category all alone, a category that the mere word "widow" left my stomach nauseated and empty. Every where I turned that day all I could see was "we," my husband and me, there was no longer a "we" there was only a "me." Next resentment set in, how could he do this to me? How could he leave me all alone at such a young age? How could he leave me in such a shape? At the end of my shift as I was leaving for the day I kept thinking to myself, "tomorrow will be better, tomorrow will be easier, after all this was only my first day upon returning to the working world." I quickly found out after several days had passed I couldn't do this any more, not because I wasn't strong enough but I needed a whole new approach to the working world so with that thought in mind I made the decision to kindly step aside and resign.
Upon returning home that evening and after a long discussion with my parents all of us simply thought perhaps it was just too soon. So I decided to stay at home a while longer but with each passing day instead of showing signs of improvement I was showing signs of depression. I thought, "depression" what a cold ugly word and the world of ones depression is even more uglier, colder, empty and lonely. Finally, if the insistence of my parents I sought medical attention, the results...I was emotionally, mentally and physically worn out. I was place on months of complete bed rest due to my tremendous drop in weight, only to be able to get out of bed for bathing and toilet needs, the rest of the time it was bed and rest.
As the months traveled by I didn't appear to be showing any signs of improvement. My cash flow was stopped again and instead of seeking my parents help I simply stuck all my bills into my bedside night stand unopened. Next, the phone started ringing day and night. I knew whom the calls were from but I didn't dare tell my parents. How could I tell them, this was not the child they had raised to be honest, reliable and responsible. Friends would drop by for visits, friends would call for chats or invites but none of these things interest me any longer, I didn't belong, I was in my own little category, "widow." The thought of being around others that were happy in their daily lives made me sick, sick from jealousy that they were happy and I was miserable, all alone.
Then I day I heard my pastor's voice, by dear friend, my only "life line" talking to my mother in our den. He had stopped by for a visit to check on me, little did I realize at that time that my mother had contacted him seeking his much needed assistance regarding my depression; my cold, lonely, miserable and ugly world that I was trapped inside with no way to escape. During our discussion I informed him how lonely, ugly I felt. How all I wanted to do at the young age of thirty two was pleaded with my Lord to take me home. I honestly wanted to die so I could be able to join my husband and be able to live again. I remember him telling me to buy my self something pretty, get myself dressed up weather I went anywhere or not, I thought to myself, "what a dumb idea" how can an empty soul make themselves feel pretty again? How dare him say something like that to me, he had a beautiful wife, he had a family and he possibly couldn't know my feelings and how empty I felt inside.
Then as I was lying in bed one night a voice spoke to me, "my child, do you not know how valuable you are to me, do you not have one clue what all I went through just for you to prove how much I love you?" All of a sudden a warm glow rolled through my entire being, I felt so pretty but more important I felt loved and that love is what finally jump started my world out of the world of depression.
Friends, if you are experiencing a world of depression from trying to rebuild your own life from some type of pain I beg you to seek Him and only Him first if you want to feel true, genuine love, a love that only a Father can give a child, a love that will carry you through any type of struggles, pain or depression. A love that can "jump start" your own life making you feel pretty again but more importantly to feel loved and to be able to rebuild your own life again.
In closing my second writing to my blog I welcome your comments but more importantly I welcome you. I want all of you to know I am available to you, to lift you up in prayer and to carry and assist you with your own personal burdens. Until the next time I challenge you to cry out to our Lord and begin to feel loved.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Being A Caretaker Since Thirty
I decided to create my own blog regarding being a care taker of family members since the age of thirty in hopes of reaching out to others that find themselves in the same role such as myself in hopes of sharing with each other this important role in ones life. Through discussions we can reach out to each other in Christian love to offer one another compassion, empathy, support, encouragement, strength, joy and sorrow.
In Webster's Dictionary the word "care taker" means...a person put in charge. Through Biblical, God's word a person who is a "care taker" takes on the role realizing he or she is caring for one of God's flock, they assume this role out of eagerness to serve another, not out of obligation, they are concerned regarding what they can give another, not what they will receive from this child of God.
My own care taking roles began at the age of thirty after only being into my newly formed marriage for two years. When I met my first husband I was very well aware of his medical condition called diabetes which he acquired at a very young toddler age, in fact he had the type labeled "juvenile diabetes." He was forced at this tender age to be placed on a daily regimen of insulin injections. What a horrific regimen this must have been for him at such a young age but this regimen was necessary for daily survival. We will never be able to understand the emotions he experienced in his own daily personal life brought on by this disease, even as his wife, his caretaker throughout our daily journey I could never completely understand all his private emotions, thoughts, struggles or sufferings.
When my care taking responsibilities begun he was dealt the hand of heart disease and kidney disease brought on through the progression of this disease. In 1983 I was faced with traveling to Charlotte Memorial Hospital for daily journeys that lasted two weeks to learn how to place and hook my husband up to a kidney dialysis machine. A permanent shunt was inserted right below his belly button allowing the kidney dialysis machine to be connected in order to flush and purify his kidneys ten hours nightly. The entire process had to be performed carefully, precisely, sanitized for his medical safety as well as for his life safety. The entire training sessions scared me to death because it was through these grueling daily sessions that I realized that his entire being was being held in the palm of my hand. That is quite a weight to be placed upon ones shoulders but that is when I also realized that I had been chosen by God to carry out this task and to carry it out with confidence, compassion and love, the same confidence, compassion and love he has for me. I not only had this daily task but the entire task of our complete household. Then, I paused for a second trying to regain my composure when I realized, "so what, my Lord has the entire world upon His shoulders" so who am I to complain.
Back in those early years I was fortunate and blessed to have my daily life surrounded with the complete love of family, friends and my pastor, we were very close friends, his friendship, love and support I depended upon to the highest degree and during the whole journey this gentleman never once let me down. Whenever he crosses my mind still to this day I will always be indebted to him for his love and support which at that time was my "life line." I urge others if they know anyone that is going through a terminal illness with another, filling the capacity role as a "care taker" that they will reach out to that person and be their "life line" during such a time. No, the "care taker" may not be experiencing the physical pain as the person that is the patient, but believe me they to are suffering, emotionally, mentally and physically but in a different manner. So often the "care taker" is place on a "back burner," all the attention is focused entirely on the patient, too many times people do not realize that the "care taker" is suffering, neglecting their own needs, their own health, their own life, all for the sake of another, and if others would just reach out to them too, be their "life line" during such a journey...well if makes a difference weather they are able to step back, take a breath, relax, re-energize themselves to be able to keep moving forward in the right direction for the sake of another. Your "life line" to them doesn't have to be in big ways but simple ways in the form of a card, a telephone call, a casserole, grocery shopping, errands, gift cards for them to be able to treat or beautify themselves, a shoulder to lean upon, an ear to listen for them to vent or cry upon, small actions are the ones that are rich in God's blessings.
I will never forget the day that my husband left his earthly life to go to his eternal home. I can recall the moment as if it was yesterday. He sat up stoutly in the bed, inquired what time it was which I thought was odd but then I have always believed that the Lord in His own way allows us to know when He is coming to take us home with him so I figure he simply wanted to know the time of his departure from earth to God's home, those were the last words he said to me. His journey was over here on earth, my "care taking" journey had ended as well. At the end of our journey I weighed ninety eight pounds, a skeleton of myself, but I knew that everyone of us has a talent that God gives us and mine was that of a "care taker." I also knew that both of us had, "fought the fight, kept the faith and won the race."
I encourage all of you who are in a "care taking" role to realize that you have been chosen by God to take care of one of His flocks, the role and journey is filled with hills and valleys but the end is so rewarding. At the end of the journey you will hear the voice of God say, "well done my faithful servant."
I welcome any of your comments regarding my blog. I welcome any experiences, emotions that you may be experiencing too, all is open for discussion. I invite and welcome you to my blog and if you would like me to remember you in prayer please make your request known to me so I may lift you up in prayer to our Heavenly Father. Know you are not alone, I am always available.
I close with may you feel the Lord's mercy, grace, peace, love and joy.
In Webster's Dictionary the word "care taker" means...a person put in charge. Through Biblical, God's word a person who is a "care taker" takes on the role realizing he or she is caring for one of God's flock, they assume this role out of eagerness to serve another, not out of obligation, they are concerned regarding what they can give another, not what they will receive from this child of God.
My own care taking roles began at the age of thirty after only being into my newly formed marriage for two years. When I met my first husband I was very well aware of his medical condition called diabetes which he acquired at a very young toddler age, in fact he had the type labeled "juvenile diabetes." He was forced at this tender age to be placed on a daily regimen of insulin injections. What a horrific regimen this must have been for him at such a young age but this regimen was necessary for daily survival. We will never be able to understand the emotions he experienced in his own daily personal life brought on by this disease, even as his wife, his caretaker throughout our daily journey I could never completely understand all his private emotions, thoughts, struggles or sufferings.
When my care taking responsibilities begun he was dealt the hand of heart disease and kidney disease brought on through the progression of this disease. In 1983 I was faced with traveling to Charlotte Memorial Hospital for daily journeys that lasted two weeks to learn how to place and hook my husband up to a kidney dialysis machine. A permanent shunt was inserted right below his belly button allowing the kidney dialysis machine to be connected in order to flush and purify his kidneys ten hours nightly. The entire process had to be performed carefully, precisely, sanitized for his medical safety as well as for his life safety. The entire training sessions scared me to death because it was through these grueling daily sessions that I realized that his entire being was being held in the palm of my hand. That is quite a weight to be placed upon ones shoulders but that is when I also realized that I had been chosen by God to carry out this task and to carry it out with confidence, compassion and love, the same confidence, compassion and love he has for me. I not only had this daily task but the entire task of our complete household. Then, I paused for a second trying to regain my composure when I realized, "so what, my Lord has the entire world upon His shoulders" so who am I to complain.
Back in those early years I was fortunate and blessed to have my daily life surrounded with the complete love of family, friends and my pastor, we were very close friends, his friendship, love and support I depended upon to the highest degree and during the whole journey this gentleman never once let me down. Whenever he crosses my mind still to this day I will always be indebted to him for his love and support which at that time was my "life line." I urge others if they know anyone that is going through a terminal illness with another, filling the capacity role as a "care taker" that they will reach out to that person and be their "life line" during such a time. No, the "care taker" may not be experiencing the physical pain as the person that is the patient, but believe me they to are suffering, emotionally, mentally and physically but in a different manner. So often the "care taker" is place on a "back burner," all the attention is focused entirely on the patient, too many times people do not realize that the "care taker" is suffering, neglecting their own needs, their own health, their own life, all for the sake of another, and if others would just reach out to them too, be their "life line" during such a journey...well if makes a difference weather they are able to step back, take a breath, relax, re-energize themselves to be able to keep moving forward in the right direction for the sake of another. Your "life line" to them doesn't have to be in big ways but simple ways in the form of a card, a telephone call, a casserole, grocery shopping, errands, gift cards for them to be able to treat or beautify themselves, a shoulder to lean upon, an ear to listen for them to vent or cry upon, small actions are the ones that are rich in God's blessings.
I will never forget the day that my husband left his earthly life to go to his eternal home. I can recall the moment as if it was yesterday. He sat up stoutly in the bed, inquired what time it was which I thought was odd but then I have always believed that the Lord in His own way allows us to know when He is coming to take us home with him so I figure he simply wanted to know the time of his departure from earth to God's home, those were the last words he said to me. His journey was over here on earth, my "care taking" journey had ended as well. At the end of our journey I weighed ninety eight pounds, a skeleton of myself, but I knew that everyone of us has a talent that God gives us and mine was that of a "care taker." I also knew that both of us had, "fought the fight, kept the faith and won the race."
I encourage all of you who are in a "care taking" role to realize that you have been chosen by God to take care of one of His flocks, the role and journey is filled with hills and valleys but the end is so rewarding. At the end of the journey you will hear the voice of God say, "well done my faithful servant."
I welcome any of your comments regarding my blog. I welcome any experiences, emotions that you may be experiencing too, all is open for discussion. I invite and welcome you to my blog and if you would like me to remember you in prayer please make your request known to me so I may lift you up in prayer to our Heavenly Father. Know you are not alone, I am always available.
I close with may you feel the Lord's mercy, grace, peace, love and joy.
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