Filling the void of your heart that is left so empty after the loss of a loved one comes easy for some but for others it becomes harder for others as each day passes. I have always been one that firmly believes that unless another has traveled the same path that one cannot fully possibly understand what another is experiencing regarding the closure of their own personal previous journey. All of us deal with grief in different ways, as I previously commented for some it comes easy but...for others it can be much more difficult.
The ones that find dealing with a loss and the void it leaves behind to be easy it is because they choose to perhaps fill that void from the beginning never allowing it to consume their daily lives. This may be through ways of volunteering through local charities, non profit organizations, through their service at church or even through other family members. For the ones that find dealing with a loss much more difficult it may present itself in this manner due to being a first loss, they allow the loss to consume their daily lives through self pity, emptiness, lack of confidence, abandonment, loneliness, resentment and even anger. These types of characteristics set in immediately, grab hold so quickly that no matter what the person may try their best to do to shake them they simply won't disappear. For me I personally believe the latter set in upon me so quickly that no matter in my personal opinion how hard I tried nothing appeared to be working so I continued to keep down spiraling into a world filled with dark gloom never taking the time to notice all the love that surrounded me daily through family and friends. I traveled so many darkened paths that led to pain and suffering for others all because of me and the grief that controlled every aspect of my daily life. I never stopped to think how much God loved me, how much my parents loved me or even my close friends during this time. Instead, I thought they could never possibly realize what I was experiencing through such a loss. Why didn't I ever stop to think that the one most important person in all of our daily lives indeed knew exactly how I felt? Was it because I could not see Him physically even though His beauty, comfort, strength and love surrounded me immensely daily or...was it that I was so selfish that I simply wouldn't allow His comfort and love to come into my daily life? He tells me through His word that He will be with me...even until the ends of the earth. Thus, not allowing His will and purpose for my life to be done my grief process took much longer and led me down roads that were dead ends. Now, the real terrible, nightmare journey begins.
It started out to me that evening on December 31, 1986 as a "new beginning." It started with a phone call from a girlfriend that afternoon offering an invitation with other friends to celebrate a new beginning, a new year. A year that I was hoping to fill this void, to fill it with a new life of love with someone. After all I had proven to myself and others throughout the sickness of my husband that I was a good person, a good wife. I was still young, I was still reasonably attractive and I had the capacity to give love to another. I accepted the invitation of my girlfriend and I was ready to live and love again.
So here we go!! For the first time I was actually getting myself completely dressed up, a new outfit, make up applied and hair done. No matter how my heart was still aching I was ready to venture out for an evening of fun and in hopes of starting the New Year out with love. Four of us headed to Charlotte, North Carolina to celebrate the bringing in the New Year at a place called the Adam's Mart. Back in our days that was a very nice night club/bar to have fun and ring in the New Year. I can remember entering this fabulous hotel/bar location, the four of us girls making our entrance, finding a table and sitting back checking out the scenery and availability as we use to name it for an evening of fun. I can recall two of the other girlfriends already up on their feet dancing the night away on the dance floor. Kathy and me were left at the table by ourselves, laughing amongst the two of us and again checking out the scenery. Hmm...I suddenly spotted a very well groomed and nice gentlemen but...kept thinking, "he is too good looking to be interested in me" when suddenly it appeared he was headed directly toward our table. Now my thoughts turned to, he must be interested in Kathy, surely not me.
After arriving at our table, introducing himself to us, his conversation was directed toward me, so he and I entertained ourselves the rest of the evening in small talk simply introducing ourselves to one another along with sharing with each other our life's profile. Little did I realize at that time the mere mention of the word "widow" would lead me down a path of total destruction, not only for myself but...also for my family and friends. All because I was looking for a new life, a life filled with love from the simple presence of another.
As the evening came to a close and all of us girls along with the gentlemen we had met that evening departed our ways along with our goodbyes my head was simply full of a "new beginning," a "new life," a "new love." I had finally conquered the gloomy and heart wrenching world of grief and...had taken the first steps to a "new world," "new opportunities" but...as I would soon discover, not the right ones.
As I end my third writing in my blog series I pray that whatever losses you may dealing with regarding your own personal life that each of you will seek God first. You will come to know that indeed He is with you, with you even until the ends of the earth. That it will be His will and His purpose for each of your lives and..not your own as you will soon discover in my fourth blog writing what destruction and pain may enter your life without God at the front.
I challenge each of you as you read my blog writings to please leave your personal feedback comments to me. I am interested in your personal comments, I will listen with you, I will present each of you in prayer to our Heavenly Father and I remain available. May God continue to bless and comfort each of you what ever life struggles or losses you may be facing at this time.
